Sahara—Another Unbelievable,
Over-the-Top Hollywood Film, Only this Time with
Lots of Sand, Turbans and
Camels by the Blonde and
the Maven Film Columnists
Sahara is an adaptation of the best-selling novel
by Clive Cussler. Matthew McConaughey (Contact and How
to Lose a Guy in Ten Days) stars as explorer-adventurer
Dirk Pitt. After he discovers a rare coin in the waters
of a West African river, he connects it to the mystery
of the missing Civil War battleship. This ship was known
to have valuable cargo, and Pitt feels it is hidden
somewhere in the Sahara Desert. He sets out to explore
some of the most dangerous regions of the country to
find the missing ship with his partner/sidekick Al
Giordino, played by Steve Zahn (National Security and
Daddy Day Care 2). Along their journey, they meet up
with Dr. Eva Rojas, a scientist-physician portrayed by
Penélope Cruz (Blow and Vanilla Sky), who is searching
for the source of a strange and deadly disease she feels
is an epidemic sweeping the nation. They soon find out
that this disease is coming from a poison that is
polluting the waters. They also learn that if they
cannot contain it and find out the cause, this disease
will quickly spread to the Atlantic Ocean and threaten
the entire world's population. Oh, what will they do,
what will they do?
The
Blonde: HO-HUM! Sahara was like Raiders of the Lost Ark
meets James Bond meets Dudley Do Right meets National
Treasure meets Flight of the Phoenix meets Indiana
Jones. This film felt long, slow, trite, embarrassingly
unrealistic and oh-so Hollywood trying to be original.
The only thing, and I DO MEAN THE ONLY THING, that saved
this film was Penélope Cruz's charm and exotic beauty
and Matthew McConaughey's sexy buffed up body, beautiful
eyes and smile. (He has the same kind of charisma and
looks as Paul Newman had). Boy, Penelope sure can pick
good-looking, very rich and famous, successful guys. She
goes from the hunky Tom Cruise to Matthew. That is a
win-win dating situation any way you slice it. As far as
the film is concerned, this is a perfect example of how
star power BRINGS the success to a dumb movie.
The
Maven: I am sorry I missed this movie because if you
disliked it that much, I am sure that I would have found
something to LIKE about it. Unfortunately, I was stuck
in a hospital bed recovering from food poisoning. Well
actually, the hospital was out of beds and rooms, so I
had to stay on a gurney in the middle of the emergency
ward. The Blonde: You are so lucky—that
was definitely more fun that going to this movie! The
two stars did share an on-screen chemistry, even though
there was no real sexual story line or tension to let it
shine through. What this film did do for me, however,
was to remind me of how tired I was today. I couldn't
wait for it to end!
The
Maven: Don't worry, Blonde! They take that sexual
tension and chemistry home with them every night after
shooting the movie! Speaking of chemistry, we can cure
some cancers, replace most organs, and reconstruct our
faces and bodies, so why can't researchers find a way to
infuse potassium through an I.V. without pain? That
stuff felt like acid running through my arm and into my
shoulder.
The
Blonde: Poor Maven. I do think men might enjoy this
movie at least more than woman will. Instead of your
typical gun shooting, car chase scenes, you had the same
thing only with boats and camels—yes, folks, real live
Hollywood camels! So Maven, are you okay now?
The
Maven: I'll LIVE! I read that the stars actually did
most of the stunts themselves and trained for two weeks
with the camels to make those scenes more realistic.
The
Blonde: This movie totally lacked in the realistic
department! I realize they tried to add some wit to the
story—“tried” being the key word—but it totally failed.
This was basically an ALL action film without a great
story, or even great action for that matter!
The
Maven: What kind of action were you expecting? We're
talking mostly desert here! Ya know… Sahara… I always
liked that name, minus the first A…
The
Blonde: Moviegoers, just to let you in on that comment,
Shara is the Maven’s first name! Anyway, the locations
where they shot Sahara were so drab, washed out and not
very visually pleasing, which reminds me of Camilla
Parker Bowels. Did you see how she dressed for her Royal
Wedding? Oh dear me, what is this woman thinking? With
all the fabulous designers at her fingertips (that
reminds me, even her nails could use a makeover), why
was she wearing a huge dead weed on her head instead of
a diamond and pearl tiara?? AND… her gown looked like a
schmata, or a bedspread, not even as nice as a
bed-in-a-bag one, at that! You nailed it a few weeks
ago, Maven, when you said that if she wore a tiara, you
would laugh.
The
Maven: ONE MORE TIME, it is Bowles not BOWELS! I hear
the Queen was upset at the cost of Charles' wedding
reception. Maybe that's why Cam didn't wear a tiara; the
Queen would only spring for weeds! Maybe Cam saw Gone
With the Wind and figured if Scarlet could wear drapes,
then she could get away with a bedspread. Ya know, I
have a hot pink silk bedspread that would make for a
lovely cocktail dress….
The
Blonde: Maven, what kind of drugs DID the hospital send
you home with? I realize that Charles and Camilla are
truly in love, but I simply cannot accept
her!
The
Maven: I agree with you there… Since I wasn't able to
see this film, it would not be fair to rate it as I
never completely agree with the Blonde. However, I do
rate West Boca Medical Center (emergency room and third
floor) an A if you have to be in a hospital!
The
Blonde: Okay Mav, we will all keep that in mind! I
really suffered through the long two or so hours of
Sahara. This is definitely not one I will rent or EVER
see again. Maven, you were truly lucky you got food
poisoning so you had the good fortune to miss this film.
I rate it a D. For your snacks, movie-goers, I suggest
you chew a whole pack of gum to keep you busy, and have
a cigarette… A CAMEL cigarette, THAT IS!
The
Maven: The Blonde does not now nor has ever endorsed
cigarette smoking! But DO BEWARE OF HER COOKING! YOU TOO
MIGHT MISS A MOVIE!
The
Blonde: Hey, cut that out…. But I am sorry
Maven!
P.S.: Fever Pitch, that I felt lacked any real
punch before seeing Sahara, is a much better choice if
you have to pick one. Drew Barrymore is so adorable,
precious and likeable that she carries this romantic
comedy. Jimmy Fallon, first known for his stand-up
comedy, needs a bit more experience in the acting
department before he takes on another leading
role.
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